The Solution
Relationship discussions and advice with Columnist Lady Lucille

Question: When entering a committed relationship and your partner has a child from a previous relationship, how does one soothe the feeling of being in second place?

Answer: Jealousy is an ugly thing and can bring about spitefully childish behavior.This question is not about being second fiddle to your mates child but about you feeling inferior to the attention paid to the child. In a serious committed relationship, there truly is no room for this. Engaging in a relationship with a partner that has children requires a certain level of maturity, patience, as well as, understanding. Vital is the task of knowing the position that you are playing in both your mates life and as a parental figure to their child.

Your role with your mate should include patience and understanding to the requirements and obligations that they have upon them in order for them to not only be a good, but also a successful parent. At no time should your partner feel like they have to choose between being a parent to their child and in a partnered relationship with you. If put in a position of choosing one over the other, a good parent will always choose their child over a jealous mate. Which in turn will have you back on the dating market.

On a more positive note, bearing witness to your mate making their child an unswayed priority should be viewed as a good thing. As it lets you know early on that any child that the two of you should come to share will always be a priority regardless if your relationship endures "forever after" or not.

Now with all of this said, it does not mean that you should stand idly by and support your mate in parenting when the child is manipulating your mate in such away that the intent is to drive a wedge between the two of you. This could be an experienced problem if the child involved is a pre-teen or young adult. Should you find yourself encountering such an issue, it is a good idea to take a step back in an effort to avoid confrontation with the child.

Also in this situation it is important for your mate to remain in control of the situation by keeping a child in a child's place while at the same time being sympathetic to the child's feelings.Often, formulating a friendship with an older child and thereby establishing a level of respect can improve the relationships of all persons involved. In the event of such a predicament you will find that the child feels threatened by the relationship that is shared between you and the natural parent. Easing the child's mind and positioning yourself in such a way as to create a welcoming environment by inclusion of the child as opposed to being standoffish can diffuse many fueled misunderstandings. A child will be reassured that there is enough of their parent to go around when they are allowed to engage and be included in the relationship that is shared between you and their parent.

As for yourself, this relationship can be a lasting successful union if you are willing to embrace the fact that to love your mate means to love all of them which includes the children you DO NOT share. After all your mates child is a part of them, a contributing aspect to who they are, a part of them that makes them whole.Should you not be able to embrace the parent in them, then they are not "the one"for you.

Lady Lucille

Send Your Relationship Question(s) to Lady Lucille!
P.O. Box 3032
Cordova, TN 38088-3032
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